James Joyce (through a fictional character) described Hell to a group of schoolboys thusly in A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man:

fractal by Sundstrom at www.sxc.hu

“Our earthly fire again, no matter how fierce or widespread it may be, is always of a limited extent; but the lake of fire in hell is boundless, shoreless and bottomless. It is on record that the devil himself, when asked the question by a certain soldier, was obliged to confess that if a whole mountain were thrown into the burning ocean of hell it would be burned up In an instant like a piece of wax. And this terrible fire will not afflict the bodies of the damned only from without, but each lost soul will be a hell unto itself, the boundless fire raging in its very vitals. O, how terrible is the lot of those wretched beings! The blood seethes and boils in the veins, the brains are boiling in the skull, the heart in the breast glowing and bursting, the bowels a red-hot mass of burning pulp, the tender eyes flaming like molten balls.”

I disagree on the temperature and circumstances of Hell.  I believe I have glimpsed it.

It is too cold for ice fishing and there is too much snow here. We have so much snow, in fact, that when holes are drilled, the pressure is so bad that water spews forth, slushifying everything and then freezing.  

photo by Xanderalex at www.sxc.hu

Forecast for tomorrow: 38 degrees below frickin’ zero (real temperature, not wind chill).  Record snowfall for the month of December and it’s still piling up.  

Somewhere a bad-ass Canadian ice fisherman is reading this and laughing while he screws together twelve foot extensions for his auger.  

I’m not.  Not when I have phrases like “afflict the bodies of the damned” and “how terrible is the lot of those wretched beings” unfurling themselves in my frozen brain.

Wake me up in May.

No, this isn’t a heartwarming essay about truly needing nothing for Christmas but world peace.  It’s about true greed and the darker side of my humanity.  Christmas is coming, and it’s a chance for me to outline my want list, at price levels all of my relatives can enjoy.  From my nearly-penniless older daughter, to my money-hoarding 9-year old with her own money market account (exaggeration), to my lovely and well-meaning wife whose budget is reduced by my sporting expenditures (euphemism), to rich benefactors who are circling my blog (fantasy), I can provide a Christmas gift buying opportunity for everyone.

Ranked in order from mere pennies to requiring a briefcase full of cash, here are a few of my unmet needs for fiscal 2009:

Owner Walleye Snells

My favorite way to catch walleyes.  Elegance in simplicity, with a super-duper penetrating hook.  I’ll probably have to give my near-penniless daughter five bucks to buy these for me, so move down the list if you’re an adult with a job.

Gulp! Alive Angleworms

Because I still believe those TV ads and I haven’t tried every variety of Gulp yet.  And because if I can ever get any of it to work it will further my laziness by reducing my commitment to keeping live bait alive. 

Crappy old fishing rod from a rummage sale

So that I have a “throw-down” I can break when I’m enraged in the boat at losing a trophy fish, rather than breaking the good ones.  And I can use it for a “loaner” when I go fishing with that guy down the street who always bugs me to take him fishing, but whom I would rather not trust with a hundred-dollar rod. 

James Prosek books

The only one I have is Early Love and Brook Trout.  I need the rest for my winter emotional stability.  Amazon.com has free shipping specials.  Be generous.

Fleeced, by Dick Morris

A book about the fleecing of America.  Because I’m a conservative masochist who likes to be reminded of the drunken sailors in Washington spending my money. 

A 5 wt fly rod, a little on the short side

This would be used for therapeutic creek fishing (again an appeal for my health!) to match up to the G Loomis reel my dad found on the side of the road and gave me because I’m his favorite son.

4-12 x 40 scope—Leupold, Burris, Nikon preferred—not an adjustable objective

My Kimber 25-06 is very lonely right now, and suffering from near-sightedness. It would be a great boost to the poor little Kimber’s self-worth and ability to function in outdoor society.

Benelli M-2 Field 12 Ga.

Any of the stock configurations will do.  Picking camo patterns is kind of like my wife picking paisley or plaid.  I would look beautiful in either one.

Jeep Wrangler Unlimited

Well, I can dream a little, can’t I?  Maybe that millionaire guy who gives away his money will read my blog, cry a little, and write a check to stimulate the economy.  I’ll even take the Baby Poop Yellow one or the Rabbit Dropping Green one.

Joe Biden’s Beretta

He said during the VP debates that he wouldn’t let Barack Obama come for his shotgun.  I’m giving him a chance to sell it to me (or to a benefactor who will then present it to me) so that he doesn’t have to go through that humiliation.

Of course, what I really want for Christmas is to be the guy who needs nothing.  And you can help me eventually get there by making sure I get everything I want.

With winter coming (and possibly a lower rate of outdoor activity if you’re a creature of comfort like me), I present to you an annotated bibliography of seven fishing books for your consideration and enjoyment.  I’m thinking about adding to it and placing it in an archive, or wiki-izing it, or something.  I still need to do justice to books like James Prosek’s Early Love and Brook Trout, which is missing here.

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Burke, Monte.  Sowbelly: The Obsessive Quest for the World-Record Largemouth Bass.  New York: Penguin, 2005.

This book offers some insight into the world of people who spend countless hours of their lives trying to catch the “big one.”  Books like this are rare, just like bass over ten pounds.  Part journalism, part philosophy, and part art.  Good stuff.  Combine with the technical information in Doug Hannon’s book (below), stir, and drink up.  You’ll be on the water for 300 days out of the year in no time.

Greenlaw, Linda.  All Fisherman are Liars.  New York: Hyperion, 2004.

It’s hard not to like Linda Greenlaw.  English major, swordfishing boat captain, lobster boat driver.  Makes me want to slip on the orange rain bibs and drive a wooden boat.  Her stories in this book are excellent examples of the salty genre.  I mean, this is a person who frequents a place called the Dry Dock Bar, and survived The Perfect Storm.  It makes my walleye trips look like buzzing around a pond on a jet ski.

Grigsby, Shaw.  Bass Master Shaw Grigsby: Notes on Fishing and Life.  With Robert Coram.  Washington, D.C.: National Geographic Books, 1998. 

I don’t normally glom onto the world of competitive fishing, preferring to read people like Doug Hannon and Al Lindner, but this is a good read.  Grigsby shares a lot of his knowledge about baits, tuning, color selection, and so on—exactly what you would expect from this kind of book.  But he also shows his human side, including some heartwarming narrative about his relationship with his father. 

Hannon, Doug.  Big Bass Magic.  With Horace Carter.  Brainerd, MN: In-Fisherman, 1986. 

Doug Hannon’s credentials do the talking.  As someone who has caught more than 400 bass weighing ten pounds are more, he’s worth a listen.  In the book, he covers a lot of the factors involved with targeting the biggest of bass, including how to camouflage your boat.  He also debunks some popular myths and shows how the tackle industry makes a lot of money attracting fishermen, but not necessarily fish.

Henshall, J.A.  Book of the Black Bass.  Cincinatti: Robert Clark & Co, 1881.  Reprinted by B.A.S.S. in 1978. 

This is one of the very first works to publicly advocate the black bass (largemouth or smallmouth) as a gamefish worthy of the respect of say, a trout or salmon.  If you can survive the chapters on the scientific naming of the black bass, there are some really great chapters outlining Henshall’s philosophy of fishing, as well as historical insight into rods, reels, and equipment of the day.  If you fly fish for bass, this is a must-read.  And it makes you feel smart.  You’ll be quoting Henshall in no time.

Lindner, Al and Ron.  First Light on the Water.  Minneapolis: Bronze Bow Publishing, 2003.

Al and Ron have probably shared more knowledge about multispecies fishing with the world than anyone else combined.  And they have a love of God.  Even though my brand of religion (Catholic) and theirs (born-again) are not the same, I appreciate their work for giving credit to the presence of Christ in their lives.  And for stories such as Al’s narrative about the angel who pulled him from the water after taking an unexpected dip while ice fishing.  It’s a beautiful book with some nice photography, and it reminds us of why the sunset is so beautiful on the water after a day of fishing.

Walton, Sir Izaak.  The Compleat Angler.  1653. 

I went to an English teacher’s convention this year and the subtitle was “The Compleat Teacher.”  Leave it to English majors to make allusions, but I was surprised that they gave proper credit to Sir Izaak.  There is no reason to fail to read this book—it’s free on the Internet.  Look it up on one of the many repositories of old texts (like Project Gutenberg).  Read it.  It’s old.  It’s philosophical.  It’s a good reminder that with today’s tackle industry, we still fail to catch as many fish as dudes did back in 1653 with wooden poles and gut for line.