Its a dilemma as old as goose hunting itself: a banded bird claimed by more than one hunter.  How do you decide who is the rightful owner of the band if the bird was possibly tag-teamed?  Never again will you let someone take advantage of you, or your band, because you didnt know the rules.

 

FOREWORD

 

            These rules are definitive and binding.  The following will ultimately state the rightful owner of the band beyond any further questioning.  By reading and/or possessing this Constitution, you officially forfeit your prior right to argue, and agree to concur to the statutes within its determining factors.

 

            These articles are designed to be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any other cases beneath it, unless otherwise stated.  Only in the instance an exception is established or the article does not apply, shall one continue to the next article. 

 

ARTICLES:

(1.1)         If the two claiming hunters are using different size shot, the rightful owner will be determined upon cleaning of the bird.  The hunter whose size pellets are found in the bird is the just owner.  If the bird is to be mounted, refer to 1.3

(1.2)         If no pellets, or both different sizes of pellets, are retrieved; refer to 2.1.

(1.3)         The duty of pellet retrieval is now in the hands of the taxidermist.  He should already be familiar with this Constitution.  In the rare case that he is not, present it to him.  Upon his reading, he is officially bound to concur to the clauses (refer to Foreword).  The taxidermist must keep and make present the crucial shot pellet.  Upon presentation of this determining piece of evidence, the rightful owner will pay the taxidermy cost.  A generous tip is imperative, as well as, understood.

 

(2.1)         2 or more eyewitnesses testimonies will resolve the dispute if, and only if, they reach a unanimous decision on which of their buddies made the killing shot.  If even only witness disagrees, all testimonies are void, unless one of the witnesses was filming the kill sequence.  In this case, refer to 2.2.  If  there was no video camera present, continue to 3.1

(2.2)         In this instance, either hunter can challenge the witnesses rulings.  Until inspection of the video tape all further testimonies will be suspended.  If all witnesses concur after review of the tape, the ruling stands.  If just one is indecisive a hung-jury results, and no decision can yet be ruled. 

(2.3)         A video ruling CAN later be overturned once the video has been edited and reviewed and a larger screen (slow-motion is a plus). This act requires all the eyewitness who were present at the time of the kill, as well as, 3 additional outside viewers to all agree unanimously.  The 2 hunters are not allowed to vote, but are allowed to plead their cases to their peers (slow-motion again very crucial).  If a unanimous decision is reached the winner is allowed to permanently string the band upon his lanyard. 

 

(3.1)         If the tag-team kill took place between a guide and a guidee (paying customer), the guidee claims the band, unless other previous arrangements had been discussed beforehand. 

            *Note:  guidee and guest are not one in the same.  Guests

            are defined as INVITED, while, guidees are defined as

            PAYING.  Therefore guests are NOT protected under this

            guide/guidee clause. 

(3.2)    If none of the previous laws have resolved the band

           ownership dispute, the hunter who treated for ALL of the

            mornings sausage biscuits, coffee, beef   jerky,

            Butterfingers, Dr. Peppers, honey buns, PowerAdes, and

            necessary

            tobacco products takes ownership of the band by default. 

(3.3)     If for some completely unknown reason you did not stop

            for gas station munchie food before daylight you should:

                        a. Be ashamed of yourself

                        b. Admit that you are hunting un-Americanly

                        c. Refer to Article 4.1

 

(4.1)     Whichever hunter is wearing the most facepaint at the time

             of tag-team   kill acquires the band if Articles 3.2 or 3.3

             do not apply.  If facepaint was not being worn during the

             hunt, (again un-American) continue to 4.2.

(4.2)     The final determining factor to ensure that the proper

             hunter obtains his benefit of wearing the band around his

             neck like the gold medal that it truly is, must be postponed

             until the bird-banding information has been received

             through the mail.  Both hunters shall guess where the bird

             was originally banded.  This act must be documented,

             signed, and witnessed.  Upon learning the location of this

             crucial determining factor, the hunter whose guess was

             closer prevails.  In the case of a tie, which is defined as

             both hunters guesses having less than 100 miles of

             difference in distance, refer to 4.2 Discrepancy

             Amendment I for the Fairness Clause.

 

(4.2 Discrepancy Amendment I.)

            To establish a Fairness Clause in 4.2, a 100 mile cushion is

 allotted to cover the size of the city or province where the bird was banded.  When the hunters distance guesses have less than this required 100 mile pad, Exception 1-A will take precedence over Article 4.2. (continue to Exception 1-A)

 

(4.2 Exception 1-A)

            To fairly validate the Fairness Clause of 4.2, Exception 1-A states that a witnessed 2 out of 3 tournament of Rock, Paper, Scissors will be required to finalize the winning hunters right to permanently sport the band around his neck.  At this point, the unluckier of the hunters shall:

  

a.       Congratulate his buddy

b.      Understand that he can never again dispute the Constitution’s decision, as doing so shall result in:

            Purposely never again being saved

            any coffee or hot  chocolate.

            Being required to pay for all the gasoline

            until his lesson is learned.

            Being stricken to the bad side of the blind

            indefinitely.

            Being denied SHOTGUN privileges in the

            truck until  further notice. (refer to The

            OFFICIAL Rules of  Shotgun for

            verification)

c.       Realize that he should have shot straighter and sooner because in the sport of goose hunting, you do not get a medal (metal) for second place!