vice/virtue

Basically, I spent five days last month prancing around Squamish, B.C., sampling world-class granite and making a donkey of myself to win climbing swag. It took a lot of doing, let me tell you, and all I got was one chalk bag and a t-shirt. This sounds even less fantastic when you hear I was actually shooting for new rope or a harness. I did not win big. But I had big fun.

Now to really distill the essence of the Squamish Mountain Festival, for me, I’ll focus on the moments that mattered. Embarrassing and heartwarming celebrity moments with the people who made this event just as exciting as the local rock.

1. Free beer at Howe Sound Brewing Company. I’m walking out the door. Sonnie Trotter is at the front desk, mid-conversation with some dirtbag who looked vaguely familiar. I grab Sonnie’s calloused monkey hand, pump it twice, and exclaim, “Great presentation last night. Loved it,” then point (point!) at the guy Sonnie was chatting with and toss out, “Can’t wait for yours,” and continued my drunken momentum right out the door. I should’ve shouted “let’s do lunch” because that’s the kinda scmooze I had all over my face. I had no idea who the other guy was. Turns out, he was nobody.

2. Telling Cedar Wright my breasts once “saved my life” on a dangerous route. I think I said “boobs.”

3. Cheersing divorce with Majka Burhardt at the “Tight and Bright” party. There were three of us ladies, actually, and we were all three divorced. Yipee!

4. On stage. Climbing Matt Maddaloni’s hot climber bod as a demonstration for the human climbing competition. (See competitors here.) It was on request because the night before, I threw myself into two ridiculous on-stage competitions and, as mentioned, won a chalk bag. (See above.) Participating in the demonstration, that’s what nabbed the t-shirt. Thanks, Matt, you were a good sport. But I have one question. When I asked if you could support 150 pounds and you shrugged yes with your nonchalant smile, did you know how much weight I was talking about, seeing as Canadians do kilos and all? Or are you just that brave?

5. Missing Dave MacLeod’s presentation due to a flat tire. Not really a celebrity moment, but it involved jacking my car with a car jack and a chock pick, so I thought I’d mention it.

If you’re wondering what all I did to win swag, the best parts involved trying to sing the Canadian national anthem, taking off and putting on my bra in front of the bar crowd, dressing in a silver spandex leotard and picking out my hair for afro-fabulousness. Ta-da!